AG Outsider Retrospecticus: Beach Bum Baby Gay Joss, The Many Closures of AG Stores, And Some Things I Missed In My Last Post

Welcome to the first of a series of posts: The American Girl Outsider Retrospecticus.

No, Retrospecticus is not a misspelling of "Retrospective." Yes, it is a Simpsons ref from the season seven finale episode Summer of 4 Ft. 2 released on May 19, 1996 that's nearly 25 years old. Thanks for asking. I wasn't born at the tail end of Gen X to not make casual Simpsons references on my blog about doll shit.

It has been, minus one post about Joss at the start of what became The Year of the Pandemic--and my last two most recent posts--two years, give or take, since I did a proper snark and opinions on AG Releases. And we've already gone in on why, you can click backwards and read, I'm not saying the same thing yet again. Brain dumb, pandemic dumb, moving good. There, a six word story. 

There is a ton to cover that came out. The Moddies, The Girls of the Year--two of them--the Wellies, and the Historicals. And news to touch on as well, some of which I said in passing in Joss's first post and want to go into more now.

But you gotta be organized. Sometimes. 

So on Sunday I sat down with a Vanilla Coke, the same Journey song on loop on Spotify, cracked open the AG Wiki, went back through the last two years of news and releases, and sorted them into a word doc. Then I printed that out, used it to sort things into sections, and printed the new document out to ref as I go through and write posts. The resulting text doc is twenty-four pages. Twenty-five, with the cover. I'm one of those writers that uses analog paper to help my mind make sense as I type. This is why I have, you know, writing notes and binders for my books stacked a foot high instead of a Scrivener doc.¹ 

We're starting with a relatively short set, even if the costs are high: Joss's last collection items and some things that either came out under cover on the AG site or that I overlooked in my last post. And since some of that was not at the AG Seattle store--and never will be, le grand sigh--I'm already busting out the website and catalog pictures. Day One, baby!

I also am going to talk about one set of news that was going to be in my MegaNews Post, but AG dropped the bombshell on me yesterday and I might as well bite the wax tadpole now.

Dive under the cut for wildly expensive weed vans, hospital bears, a deck of UNO cards, and me explaining why I have reached Acceptance with occasion Lamentations in my stages of grief over AG Seattle.

The Ten Year Leases Are Up And AG's Pulling Out: The Closing of Multiple AG Stores, Including AG Place Seattle

I was there the first day it opened. I'll be there the last day before it closes.

Ten years ago in February 2011, it was announced that American Girl--after opening the three flagship stores in New York, Chicago, and LA and slightly smaller stores in Dallas, Atlanta, Boston, Minneapolis , Denver, and Kansas City--that they would be expanding the next pair of stores into the twin Washington: State and DC. The in-process American Girl Seattle was going to be at the Alderwood Mall and within close enough distance that I could go there on the weekends if I picked that mall to go to, because Bae's Driving Rule was "we go in one direction on the weekends." On the day they opened, I was there with two friends (one with her elementary aged child). The crowds were thick, Kanani was the Girl of the Year, and afterwards we ate as a group at one of the nearby restaurants together as a group. I later went home to unpack the rest of Kanorble's collection that I'd gotten with my work bonus.²

Now I live in a house, have a lot of dolls, have been a housewife/stay at home supported brat since 2012 when I lost that job, that child is in college, and only one of those AG stores will be open still after about two weeks into February. And it's in Dallas.  

After Twenty Ten Years of Outstanding Service,³ American Girl Seattle is closing. The announcement came yesterday on their website, followed by several of my buddies pinging me the bad news while I was asleep and me waking up and being forced to choose violence on my dating anniversary⁴ by telling my local buddies in my pod that this was happening and the group of us scheduling our last trip ever to the store.

AG Seattle is the latest domino to fall in the recent trend of AG Stores closing, in fact. American Girl St. Louis was closed in 2018 when the mall started dying and they pulled out rather than be dragged down with it. Then in 2019 AG closed the Minneapolis and Boston locations when the mall didn't renew their leases, and 2020 took out the most hits with four falling at once. Kansas, Denver, Atlanta, and Scottsdale all closed in March due to Pandemic Shutdowns and none of them reopened again, with announcements for the first three in July and Scottdale in October. As ten year leases come up on the Boutiques, AG has been letting the stores go. AG Dallas is now the only AG store still around that opened before 2010. 

Sleep with one eye open, AG Houston.

This is happening in part because American Girl has been restructuring the company and assessing the need of stores in today's culture when a lot of purchases happen online. The retail apocalypse has been happening in some form since 2010, and AG was not immune to it. They came in really hot for several years, opening locations every year from 2007 to 2015 and also doing temps and pop ups and going out to Mexico and the Middle East for sales--all too much butter on too little bread. And the stores, while an experience, don't likely pull the sales that they could. A lot of people might pop in to be nostalgic about their childhood Samantha and whine that they can't buy her sailor dress, but if they don't buy something, they're costing the store money just milling around. And the closure was also probably accelerated by an entire pandemic out there. We don't get the tourists from Canada that we used to, with the border being tightly shut down. (I haven't seen one of my friends since before the pandemic started pandemicing, and I miss him so much).  So in order to get the company boat financially upright again after years of struggling in-person sales and the losses from replacing eyeballs and bodies on who knows how many dolls, stores are one by one being taken out to a farm in upstate New York.

So that's what it'll be. No more First Day of New GotY launches, no more random pop ins to buy a pair of shoes or a book or an outfit or a doll, no more touching the touchables--not that I've been doing that lately--and no more in-person shots in the store of dolly things for my blog. Shit, Courtney's next release in February or so isn't going to be there, because they're a hundred percent not going to get shipments of new things to put in the display boxes only to have to take them out and ship them back when they close down in a few weeks.

How do I feel about it? I'm...dealing. I went through the four stages of grief⁵ during breakfast yesterday and am now at acceptance and understanding with occasional lamentations. I was hoping this wouldn't come, but it's where we are. I did the same thing when every David's Tea in the US closed. My routine had become to go to AG, then go get some new flavors of tea to bring home and a to-go cup to sip as I walked to the car. And now both stores are gone. At least the store was here a solid decade and isn't an unannounced closure so I do get to go back for one last time. AG Scottdale was only open for five years in total and literally was announced by someone being like "Hey that location's not listed on the website anymore, oh shit, it's fucking gone." 

As sad as I am to soon not have a physical store anymore, I'll still be on my shit. I started my AG collection buying things and waiting to have them arrive in the mail, and I'll go back to doing that now that AG Seattle is closing. Does that mean I don't have to pay sales tax anymore on shit? I frigging hope so. The kid in me is sad just like when the US Toys R Us stores closed, but AG is still here. I would rather AG get to its 40th year anniversary and beyond with no physical store within short driving distance of me than have the company go under because they were struggling keeping a place open that was leaking money so people could buy dolls in person. And it's not like I don't order things online even when I have a store. See my loyalty to Blick's where it literally behooves me to order online, hit the free shipping cap,⁶ and wait a week to get more art markers and pencil cases rather than go into Seattle and pay to park to go shopping for twenty minutes. Even before Pandemics.

Honestly, I feel worse for the staff that's about to lose their jobs. Losing a job--any job--is hard enough when there's not a pandemic raging.

So I'm going to go there, the last day they're open. I'm going to tell the staff goodbye, thank them for giving me so many years of happiness, and maybe buy a few little things of whatever is in stock still on that day. And then, when the last one out turns off  the lights off and going to the mall means walking past where my beloved store was, I'm going to keep the blog going with website and catalog pictures when I do my snarkables. We mourn, and then we adapt to a changing world.

Thanks for all the good memories, AG Seattle. Now it'll actually have to be even more special when I go to the AG store in Chicago. 

Now let's talk about old new shit.  

Member's Only Wet Suits, Expensive Ass Shagging Wagons, and Rainbows and Corn: The Second Half of Joss's 2020 Collection  

Joss came out with two more items a month and a half after launch, and then two more in the mid-summer smaller release in the throes of a pandemic meaning that surfing was now under very specific circumstances with a small group of people and that was it. Alas, poor Joss. You were supposed to get girls geeked about surfing becoming an Olympic sport and now Tokyo 2020 is still in peril of even happening. It's above me now. 

So is the cost of that goddamn van. 

Remember when store displays weren't behind plexiglass to prevent little hands touching everything? Pepperidge Farm Remembers.

Joss's Wetsuit: Surfing isn't just in swim bottoms and rash guards. Sometimes you gotta protect the whole entire trunk of you, and Joss knows this, so she has a head to toe sleeveless wetsuit to keep her body warm in cold surfing waters. Much like Joss's Cheer Team Jacket, you can only buy it if you have an AG Rewards account. Better sign up while supplies last.I do have this for my girl, and probably when things aren't wilding I'll get in on reviewing it along with her swim set that I have.

Joss's Volkswagen Surf Bus: Oh my god. Oh my god. oh my fucking god and dogs.

Remember when I lost my shit five years ago about American Girl releasing the most expensive item ever in a $500 Doll Bakery? Yeah, they decided to raise my eyebrows into my braids and release this sunnabitch right here in 2020. Retail cost was $650. With a 10% tax, that's seven hundred dragging dollars for a doll van. I mean, they probably had to pay Volkswagon for the licensing and logo, and it does holds four dolls and has sliding and functional doors comes with everything from a first aid kit to a laptop to a cooler full of munchables and a projector. And a second entire surfboard. It uses seven batteries for two different parts and has voice clips and signal lights and the key makes the engine turn on and there's the actual flower holder at the front and it rolls and moves. It's interesting to see and touch, even. 

The van in the stories isn't Joss's, of course--she's ten, her wheeled vehicle is a skateboard.⁷ It belongs to her chill, laid back brother Liam, who is eighteen. And lives in California. *pause for understanding* Y'all know that van smells like the sticky icky and Funyuns on the regular from him using medical marijuana that his parents got him so they don't have to worry about their own stash being at risk. Joss be going into class like "uh, no, teacher, that's just me borrowing my brother's flannel shirt today, it's cold out there" and then signing to Liam that if he hotboxes in the van one more time before taking her to school she's going to steal his keys and hide them under Murph's bed.

But. Six-hundred and fifty dollarydoos?! Tobias! There was no way on this earth I was getting this van. I love AG, but I don't love it that much for one item. Though I did tease Bae for a second, as we are wont to do.

Me, teasingly: Bae, can I have a six hundred--
Bae, not looking up from his phone: No, Neth.
Me: ...I didn't even tell you what it was!
Bae: It's six hundred dollar doll shit, no you cannot have it.
Me: Okay but what if I--
Bae: what part of absolutely not, you can get a lot more doll shit for that kind of money, now go brush Addy's hair.

And that was why I will never own a doll-sized weed van.

But I still got to touch one! And not just in the store, before everything was put under glass because Pandemic. My pod buddy got it for her birthday in August and I went over to play and touch it and move it around, a few months ago. I put all the batteries in for her because I am the self-proclaimed tool lesbian⁸ of our group of queers, and once we had it working we poked buttons and made projections and ate Thai and laughed like idiots when the spritzed water on the windshield wipers failed to windshield wipe because we hadn't really seen each other as a full group since February and shit be funny to us.

Cool yes. But for me it's cool like another person's pet: I get to touch it and pet it and maybe go over and take pics to describe it for the Wiki at some point, and then I give it back to its parent because there is no room in my house for a doll-sized weed van.

Corn! And gay jumpers. But mostly gay jumpers.

Joss's Beach Grill Set: Joss likes corn! And tamales! and kebabs! And for just fifty-five dollars, she can have all that and dishware too, with a grill that uses UV light to put faux char on her noms. Now we're cooking with propane and propane accessories.

I saw this set when it launched. I saw it with Joss's jumper. I stared at it repeatedly every time until the Kira roll over, when I could get into the store masked up. And yet somehow I forgot to take a picture of the set in the case for the blog, because I don't see it anywhere on my phone or my computer box. With the Kira B. reset it's not on display in the store anymore and a month from now there won't be a local store to display it, lol sob we're in acceptance but also lol sob. 

I like this set, and this will probably be an order if it's not in the store during the last days for me to get. I have a rewards coupon to burn. 

Let's go surfing! Except not. Pandemic.

Joss's Beach Jumper: Joss got one more outfit to finish her year off, and it's a stunner: a stripe-cuffed tee, a salmon jumper with pockets and an embroidered rainbow on the front, and matching white canvas shoes with rainbows on the sides. Dummies say rainbows are for happiness and sunshine on the time line and fuck up on the second day of DoC month and then shit the entire bed being a transphobe on main. I say Joss is an adorable baby gay who loves rainbows and has a "unsure what this is but it's nice" crush on her idol, Tina Hart. I got this at the store when it released and came home and put it on Joss, then took pictures outside. It was a bit of serotonin in a summer of not doing much of anything or going much of anywhere. Can't wait to give it a proper once over.

And so, Joss has had her year. What a messy year it was for her, with her books both being Alternate Universe only three months into the year.⁹ She now yields the floor to Kira B. and will chill with what she still has in stock until it slowly retires. Get on it ASAP. We're talking about wombats now.

It's The Little Things You Miss: Tiny Items That Came Out 

And now, the small items that came out in the last few weeks that I missed covering and want to. Some of this is purely online. Okay, all of it is except one item I got a pic of and I'm not even sure when it came out. 2019? 2020? It's out, regardless. 

Hair Care: as it ends, so it goes.

Styling Set: Also known--according to the label--as the Hairdo How-To Styling Set, this set came out at some point and I completely overlooked it. Replacing the prior Ready to Style Hair Kit, this one has a cape to drape over the doll, a spray bottle--no braid spray in this one, go fill it yourself--a hairbrush and the useless hair pick, some hair bobbles and decor, a bag to put it all in, and an instructional booklet for doing a sectioned half up hairdo. The Ready to Style kit was actually on sale last time I was there, and I have a lot of hairbrushes for dolls. I keep one by my desk at all times. It has to be on sale for me to not feel like I can put together something like it with what I already have and components from Walmart.  

Giveaway for parties! That you shouldn't be having anyways.

American Girl Take Home Birthday Favors: Are you nowhere near an American Girl Place,¹⁰ but want to have the feeling of a party and getting doll shit to give people as party favors? Order this! You got crowns, shirts, toys, and giveaway bags. $45 for four, and a glittery crown for the birthday kid of whatever gender they want. 

Okay but pandemic? Pandemic, right? Stop having birthday parties. Give these out and then send everyone home so they don't get Covid. Honestly, vaccines are coming, you can party then. And for the love of gods, stop spitting on the cake. Society has progressed past the need for people to blow breath all over cake. Just do like candles on the side or something. 

Maybe I'll get this when I redo my 40th birthday celebrations.¹¹ Maybe I won't. 

Happy Birthday! Put it on your head.

Deluxe Birthday Crown: Want something fancier than the paper crown above for your birthday? Spend $20 on a crown! Or buy doll shoes instead. Like I will. I have other ways to feel like a princess.

You were not a true 90s black kid unless you got into more than a couple fights over an UNO game.

UNO American Girl Card Game: Do you like UNO and AG? Now you can have both, in one handy package with illustrations. There's even a new rule in the deck! Is it double reverse? Nah, it's probably something else.

I might get this for the novelty, if I see it at Barnes and Noble or something. But I'm a classic black UNO player from the 80s and 90s. We play with decks we stuff in our backpacks at lunch. We don't make blank cards, we don't add novelty ways of shuffling, and we don't have strange equipement or Dos or decks that remove the Red and Blue for stupid reasons. We have a kitchen table. We stack our Draw Two's til someone's drawing ten and cussing the last five people out. We penalize for snitching, we let you get new cards if you get telephone, we reverse mid-game just to start shit, we make you draw three if you don't say Uno out loud on your last card, and we fistfight over someone getting out when we had a Draw Four Wild the color is Red to hit em with.

Rest your nerves. Color a horse.

American Girl: Inspiring Stories from the Past Coloring and Activity book: Do you like coloring books and American Girl? Then buy this and color in line art from the illustrations for meditation. It even includes the depreciated Cubies. Since this didn't come to the local store--and won't--I'll be buying this online at some point, probably to bump an AG order to free shipping.

Yeah, they have that now. More later. 

Damage and accidents? Maybe a bear will make you feel better.

Hugs and Well Wishes Balloon and Bear: Did you have to ship a doll to the hospital? Want a get-well gift for when they get back with a new head? You can order a plush bear and plastic balloon. There's also a smaller version for the Wellies and the Bitty Babies. Don't give balloons to babies. 

I haven't had to send anyone to the hospital since Fifi had her eyes swapped out. If I do? This costs $18, I'd buy doll shoes again. 

I am a simple woman who likes doll shoes.

*~*~*

Next time on the Retrospecticus: We go back in time to the 1980s when malls were still alive, MTV played videos, we didn't have cell phones unless we had money and certainly not for anyone under the age of Rich Adult, and I remind you that I was a '90s teen and an '80s kid and this is why I not only remember the sounds and fads of the era, I know fucking Taylor Swift is not an 80s artist, no matter if it kills your vibe. Are you kidding me, internet? I didn't spend my free time in the 90s using a dual-tape boombox, CD-tape deck, and 90 minute tapes to make the perfect mix tape to listen to on the bus on the way into high school for some sub-2000s born theater kid to think they can make "playlist good "by cramming every Broadway and Disney OST song they ping to for four seconds in there while thinking they're too good for Megan Thee Stallion and the rest of the popular musics.

Take the youth's Spotify away. It's a privilege not a right. 

--Neth

¹ At some point I might learn Scrivener. Might. Or maybe I'll just keep writing on scattered planners and random pages of my sketchbooks and then typing those into a side doc where all the world building and lore can go. 

² All but the Shaved Ice Stand, which then retired before I could get it on my planned trip to Denver, so I didn't get to bring it back from there and had to settle for discounted Marie-Grace clothes. I also don't have my father in law anymore. Fuck cancer.

³ I also make King of the Hill refs, I tell you hwat.

⁴ I've been with my Bae since 2000. My relationship is old enough to drink. And since I was sad yesterday, Bae brought me home roses. Gods, that man is good to my queer butt. 

⁵ I skip Bargaining when it's clear something is already going to happen and there's shit all you can do about it. Petitions online just harvest your e-mails. 

⁶ I hate paying shipping. I am the meme of "$150 in the cart, but empties the whole thing and walks off if the shipping is $10."  

⁷ Things AG should have given her in her collection: a skateboard.  Things AG did not give her in her collection: a skateboard. I am out here suffering.

⁸ We're not getting into details of who can call themselves a lesbian and who can't. I knew queer things in the 90s even if I wasn't in any place to be out, lesbian wasn't only for the women that were only attracted to women. I ID as a bisexual lesbian. I have for some time. If this is a problem with you, then figure out your own shit without stirring mine.

⁹ Joss's books have her going to crowded beaches, school, and cheer/school competitions and sleepovers. Like that happened IRL. I don't think Joss's parents are dumb enough to insist they needed haircuts and to go to the Olive Garden. No, if anything they stayed home, masked up, told Dylan that he could not hang out with anyone but Nico because the rest of his friends were not part of the pod, ordered delivery, and her mom argued with the teacher during remote learning that yes she needed to make a summary transcription of every lecture for her hard of hearing daughter. 

¹⁰ Like me in a few weeks. lol sob. RIP AG Seattle Cafe, you were a real MVP. 

¹¹ This isn't about not getting older. This is about me not being able to do what I wanted for a milestone. Fuck you. I get to redo turning 40. There was an entire pandemic. I was supposed to take a trip.